Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
