Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
