he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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