Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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