I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
