im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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