Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
