We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just gift wrapped bread.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
