mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
