it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
