what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
