She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
