i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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