I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
