WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
