someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think my fart just growled at me.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
