I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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