Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
