All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
She yelled “outlaw country†right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
