when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
