soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize