I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
