Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
