I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
