This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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