me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
