Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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