I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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