I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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