i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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