i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
