Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
