Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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