i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
