I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
