Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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