When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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