we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
