I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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