she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
