Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
