i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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