We won't sleep together?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
