i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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