my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
