She is in my trunk
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
