Ambien. No doubt about it.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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