So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
