Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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