I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
