OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
