You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
