I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We named our party play list daddy issues
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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