Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
