my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
